The picture above this post is spot on for where I am in my life currently. I feel as if I’m in the middle of the pacific in a life floatee, no nourishment in my floatee, just Jesus telling me to walk out of my floatee to him…I can honestly say that I’ve stepped out of the boat and I’m not drowning.
I’ve had a rough start with my life, but only God got me to where I am. Only him. I was molested at age 4 until I was about 10. The aftermath of this trauma made me suicidal practically everyday until I was 19. No one knew I wanted to die. I was the “model” child. I did well in school except for math. I marched in the band. I had a job,I had friends. I was humorous. I had decent divorced parents. I had my basic needs met, but I would rather die. I remember wanting to be sick or break something so I could be close to dying and die. I think y’all get the point…I wanted to die. This is the most potent issue I dealt with from the molestation.
Soooo why didn’t I die? Did I have a plan? Did I try?
Obviously I didn’t die because I’m writing this. lol. However, I had a plan and this one would actually work. I researched this method of death pretty shallowly. I was going to drink bleach. With all my plans one thing stuck out in my mind if I fail, I wouldn’t be able to sing and I’d aspired to be a singer. I loved music so much, but I wanted to die more.
The thing that tipped my suicidal iceberg was my college boyfriend breaking up with me because I had given him chlamydia. That one will take another post to fully unpack that, but I’ll say this…I didn’t know I had it and I was conditioned to give men what they wanted. My previous boyfriend strongly coerced me to engage in unprotected sex and I was fearful so I did. Hence, I got the chlamydia and had it for 5 months with no symptoms.
Back to the story, the college boyfriend had called me everything but the child of God and it added on to my depression. He was literally my world, my joy, my everything, and he rejected me and I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t experience love in my life. My parents loved me, but molestation made it impossible to experience it. I felt like a dirty little girl who was made to be used and discarded. What would make this breakup any different?
I locked myself in my mother’s washroom, grabbed the bleach, and my cellphone. I uncapped the bleach, asked God to forgive me, and if he could find it in him to let me into heaven. As I went to put the container on my lips, my phone rang. It was 1am in July of 2005. It was the college boyfriend who just evisceratedby heart. He was the last person I expected to call me. I don’t even remember if I said hello because I was crying so bad. The first words out of his mouth were, “Gina what are you doing?”. I was speechless and I put the bleach down. Then he said, “whatever you’re doing, stop it.” It was at that very moment I believed God knew who I was.
I didn’t grow up in church. I only went sometimes with my grandmama and with my bonus family sporadically. I didn’t think God would want anything to do with me because I wasn’t ever a virgin and I wasn’t white (I’ll explain that one in another post too). I was dirty, so I thought. That summer started my journey to healing. It also lit a fire in me to investigate who this God is that clearly interrupted my “peaceful” suicide plan!
I’m so glad that he did. I’ll post again soon. Whoever identifies with my story, know that we’re in this journey together.
GirlPal 