When someone uses the statement “so what?”, it’s usually used as a rebuttal of some sort or a dismissal of something in my opinion of course. Recently, I felt led to dig deeper and examine myself. I believe that God has led me to a season that requires me to be the “me” He created me to be. At the thought of that statement it sounds simple, but in full transparency, I have no idea “who” that “me” is.
Pride is my favorite defensive weapon. I’ve had it from as early as I can remember. It worked for me. It protected me by building a nice little fortress around my heart and kept bad people out. This also meant good people couldn’t get in. I’m 32 years old now, never been married, single, have no kids, not fully working in my purpose, and I want those things extremely bad. So what could be stopping me, Lord? That was my prayer recently. God revealed to me what my hindrance was and how it permeated into different areas of my life. If I could not overcome the hindrance, then I could not experience the physical manifestation of the life He has planned for me. I must become the “me” whom the promise was assigned.
Rejection, self-sabotage, pride, inadequacy, abandonment, and trust issues painted with the same brush symbolize the hindrance to my future, to the promise of God for my life. I had become one with these things because this was the life I knew. Molestation and abandonment happened. Yet I still carried the sequelae of the trauma unbeknownst to me. I hate that last part. I did not know that I was still carrying the aftermath of my trauma like a security blanket. My heart landed on this verse:
Romans 6:6 New Living Translation (NLT)
6 We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.
This verse gave me the courage, to be honest with God that I had an addiction to victimhood and pain. I loved my addiction. It felt good to me. It deceivingly served me. It gave me temporary fulfillment with external validation and sympathy. Today I can be honest and say that that was a weak aspiration and an insult to God to remain in bondage. Jesus died on the cross for me. This verse and translation are explicitly clear that to be a victim is unnecessary. Jesus died so that we can have perpetual victory in all things. Battles will come, however with Jesus we always have the victory in those battles unless we aren’t aware of this fact.
So I let it all go with a hatred for being
a victim. I hated using pride as a weapon. I hated feeling stuck. I hated that I’ve been called to assist in the healing of others who have been molested, yet I couldn’t fully relinquish that sad trophy. So I 100% emptied myself to God and laid it at his feet. I made a covenant with God that I’ll become “her” if that means I really get to experience the physical manifestation of the promises you revealed to me. If it means that I obtain full authority over molestation and its aftermath so that I can break these things off of another woman.
One thing that I didn’t realize would happen after this purging moment, I received confidence and power that I never experienced. When I look back over my little life and it’s traumas, I can say that I’m glad it was me. A statement like that used to make me cry, but now I’m excited! Well, Gina why are you so excited that you were molested?! I’m glad you asked. Overcoming it gave me authority over it and a passion to be used by God in any capacity He chooses to help someone else.
I endured painful years, but if it can help one person it’s worth it. I am unstoppable with God on my side and I am elated. Moving forward, I’m choosing to live under the “so what?’ anointing. I was molested and abandoned, “so what?” it is a fact from my past and Jesus died so that I can be new and free from my past. I am made in HIS likeness and he loves me just because he does. I don’t have to do or be anything other than “me”. So again, “so what?”.
I love y’all and I pray this helps someone:o)
GirlPal 