I have not enough, but I serve a God of more than enough. It’s difficult to be in the in-between space. It hurts to live there. It is challenging to worship when your life “seemed” better before you started living for God. How do you practically navigate the horrid reality that you could literally be homeless tomorrow?
Jesus teaches us that everything we need comes from Him. Everything is in Him. It was created from Him. He controls everything, because He created it, (John 1:1, Matthew 6, Revelation 10:6). It’s a harsh reality that some of us must experience pain so that we can live to tell the story and hopefully it saves someone from having to experience the same pain.
I wanted to choose death many times. It was a way of life for me for several years. Everyday I thought of ways I could “successfully” kill myself. I learned that death and life come only from God. He controls that. Psalm 139 in my language translation states that “you [God] knew me and appointed me to this life on earth when I was nothing. You formed my life and every possible path I would take, when I was nothing. I had no heartbeat because I was nothing. Yet, you appointed for me a calling, purpose, solutions to problems, everything I would ever need, when I was nothing. Then after you determined all of that, you made me something. You placed my embryo into my mother’s womb and she found out about me.” God is a strategic God. He can’t fail, even when it seems like He has failed us. We don’t know what He planned for us because He did it when we were nothing. Besides, if we could figure Him out that would make us superior to Him; there’s no room for the supernatural in that.
God gave me a prophetic gifting. This means that He tells me about future events before they happen. This gifting has enabled me to hear from God profoundly, but it has also been a burden to me. Romans 11:29 says the gifts and the calling of the Lord are irrevocable. Today I wish it was. I’m writing this as disappointment plays out in front of my eyes. The hope I have left is in the Lord. Only my Lord can save me in my dire circumstance. It burdens me that He told me what my future will be. It’s an amazing future, but it makes me lonely. Only God and I know this, but my surrounding looks nothing like it yet. I don’t say all of this to scare anyone off from serving God. I say all of this to implore you to try God again.
Nothing we build without God as the foundation will last, (Psalm 127:1). He has a wonderful life planned for us, we just have to be willing to suffer for a time. Jesus suffered the most and to suffer makes us most like Him. It sounds sadistic, but when we have endured persecution and testing, God will restore everything we lost in multiplication, (Job 42). What we went through won’t happen again. We will gain immense wisdom and a personal knowing about how powerful God is. I am most excited that I will have my own story about how God has performed the impossible in my life; a supernatural miracle that cannot be explained. Overcoming a life shattering obstacle is a testament of God’s glory because we cannot get ourselves out of the problem, we need God.
The Israelites were God’s chosen people and they were small compared to their enemies who were living in their promised land that God promised to their forefathers. They were driven out of the promised land by their enemies due to disobedience; they worshiped other gods. The Messiah [Jesus] hadn’t come yet so their sins weren’t forgiven like ours are now. They had to sacrifice lambs to pay for their sins on a daily basis. Throughout their suffering, God still sustained them because He made a covenant with their forefather, Abraham, that He would protect and provide for them in the land He promised.
God is faithful to fulfill His promises. There is no evidence in the Bible that He has failed. Ever. He cannot fail. He cannot lie. He doesn’t have favorites, so what He does for one child He will do for all of them, (Hebrews 13:5, Numbers 23:19, Romans 2:11). He loves us and it hurts Him when we suffer. It hurt Him when Jesus His only biological son was crucified for our sins. God knew the purpose of Jesus suffering would save all of mankind, outweighing temporary pain.
Although I’m crying the ugly cry in my bathroom right now, I still love God. As a child, it was my dream that He would know my name. I didn’t grow up in church and didn’t think He would want to know me. Now, serving God for the past decade I can still say that I love Him. He has done things for me that I don’t deserve. He loves me at all times, in any condition, backslidden, you name it; He has loved me. I’ve given raggedy boyfriends countless chances. I refuse to let a serious “let down” make me throw the only true Living Speaking God away. When I wanted to kill myself and tried at 19 years old, Buddha, Allah, the universe, the energy, the cosmo, the whatever, DID NOT STOP ME! God did. He SPOKE to me audibly. I know He did because He made me Himself. The Bible tells us in the book of Genesis “God made man in His own image. He formed Him with His hands from the dust of the ground and breathed life into Him, (Gen 1:26, 2:7).” A newborn knows the voice of their mother automatically when they come from her womb. My personal conviction is that I must serve God. I cannot quit God because he had every right and reason to quit me. I implore that you don’t quit on Him either.
I am called to help the sick and dying in heart, the abused and molested girls and women all over the world. If Jesus can save my soul, sustain my life, cover my sins and forget about them, He can do the same for you too.
If you want to give your life to Jesus, go somewhere private if you need to and pray this aloud:
Lord Jesus, I believe you. I believe you died for my sins and were raised from the dead. I believe you are my Lord and savior, I believe you have an amazing purpose and plan for my life. I repent of all my sins and I desire to live my life according to your loving plan. Thank you for loving me, saving me, and giving me eternal life. In Jesus name, Amen.
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