Facing the Big One

There are times in our lives where we will be forced to face the Big One. The little girl in the image above is facing a huge bull. Based on the appearance, the bull would win. The dichotomy of this picture is that God stands in the gap between us and the bull. Spoiler alert: the bull bows and victory goes to Jesus.

I found myself in a standoff today. I had forgotten that this bull existed. It bitterly surprised me. Jealousy and fear of betrayal was the bull I faced. I’ve been cheated on by every boyfriend I ever had. The byproduct of this is hypervigilance and suspicion. Checking phones, foolish accusations, unearthing negativity instead of positivity, pure dysfunction. This behavior created and attracted cheaters. I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum of domestic abuse as the abused and the abuser. I learned to hit whatever was hurting me, male or female, I was ready to fight. What happened today proved to me that it can no longer be this way. I choose a different normal today. So here’s what happened y’all…

I was at church minding my business using the restroom before service started. The Man of God I’m seeing was at the bottom of the staircase having a conversation with a young lady and other women greet him with hugs as they pass by. This is normal, my church loves to hug, I do not. LOL. I’ve gotten used to this with him and it stopped bothering me months ago, but this particular morning I noticed something familiar about this young lady. I had a flashback and immediately I’m thinking of dragging the girl down the steps. Adult Gina yelled at me and told me that “we don’t do that anymore! Chill out it’s not like that. You’ll go to hell if you fight in church.” (Sidenote: that’s not true. It sounds scary and it gets my attention when I go beyond logical thinking.) During this inner monologue, he saw me and I hadn’t realized that I was looking at him. Immediately, he asked me what he had done to cause me to look at him in such a way. Passive-aggressively I told him that “a hit dog will holler”. I’m country y’all. LOL. That colloquialism means that a guilty person will announce themselves as guilty. So MOG started telling me about his week and mentioned the young lady. Then it happened. My face snitched on me. In the past, I could hide my emotions, but with him, I cannot lie or hide anything. MOG has this anointing that makes all my defensive weapons fail. I rolled my eyes so hard then he probed me for answers. So I told him, I was jealous of that particular girl. He reassured me that “I need not be” in a welcoming way; I wasn’t dismissed or rejected as I was accustomed to. Fast forward.

After church something happened I had never experienced before. He challenged my insecurity and trust in him. MOG introduced us. I have never been introduced to another woman in my life. This action overwhelmed me and I sincerely was happy to meet her. Now for her, the vibe was awkward and tense. I’m not sure what she heard or saw as it pertains to me. I faced a bull and God made it bow.

The life that I’ve wanted for so many years was given to me in seed form and it’s blossoming before my eyes. I asked God, “How do I enjoy the promise you told me about? I don’t know how to operate there. I just know how to survive and fight; not thrive. How do I not destroy the blessing you gave me? How do I live as a secure woman?”.

I did not receive the answer I expected from God in my quiet time. He gave me Joshua 1:9. He commanded Joshua to be strong and very courageous and that He’d be with Him wherever he goes. It’s simple but impactful.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.””

Joshua 1:9 NKJV

The application of this verse in response to my question is that He will be there wherever I go, so do not be afraid Gina, do not be distressed; I will be there. Let me bring it all the way in. When you face the bull of another woman trying to take the man I’ve given you, I will be there. When you are in a situation that you have no frame of reference for, I will be there. Go anyway because I will be there. Be strong and courageous because I will be there.

This calms my soul. I’ve resolved in my heart that I never want to depend on the reassurance of man ever again. I will anchor myself in the Lord. Any other source of assurance is a bonus. This man I’m with does things I do not ask him to do and it assures me that I can trust him. I’m overwhelmed by this. God has done an impossible thing from my perspective and I am in awe of my Lord. There truly is nothing that He cannot do.

I’ll post again soon. I just had to get this God encounter out there. I love y’all!